tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.