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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.