Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over