Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
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May have had one breakfast too many
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit