If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise