My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
A friend helps you before you need it
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one