[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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Just parrot things
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Dead sexy!!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”