Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list