The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
You Might Also Like
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.