The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.