You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.