Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Those are good neighbors.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”