One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
You Might Also Like
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭