If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/