I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Just got to our Airbnb!
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!