prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”