High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Whisper out to librarians!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
The answer is funnier than the question
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.