Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one