[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.