My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
ok this is my dumbest yet
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief