[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
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i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]