There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.