“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
scares
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then