You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When customers come in 6 hours before closing