A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Mornin
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*