When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.