the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.