The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
u spoke cat all this time??????
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…