living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
You Might Also Like
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.