Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
You Might Also Like
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Comparing yourself to others
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.