Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
You Might Also Like
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy