Just me?
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk