The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.