Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
S O O N
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges