chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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When your parents check you’re ok.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Just how popey was the pope today?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.