“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
sugar glider wrangler
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
beware of dog
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.