Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.