Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
You Might Also Like
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.