“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.