So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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In banana years, I am bread.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.