She was rare, like a goth jogging
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Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!