WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries