WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Chemical wingman
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.