Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..