[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
liiiiiiiiike
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one