[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.