If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
seems like a niche market
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson