What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…