Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You Might Also Like
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.