G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
You Might Also Like
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Choose your fighter
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?